New Year Resolutions

I don't usually have new year resolutions, but I guess I could do a few for the coming year.

First, I'd like to pay off my current credit card bill. I mean REALLY pay it off. Like no more outstanding balance after I pay the month's bill. It will take some sacrifices, like downgrading my gym membership, but insya-Allah, it can be done. I'm so tired of paying interest every month!

Next, perhaps just a few more kilos off my frame and a stronger core so I'm not so blubbery. Will be prudent with food and do some workouts at home in addition to the gym.

I will try to be more focused at work and come home right after maghrib (because that's the most practical time, really). The jam would have cleared and it's not too late for a light dinner somewhere or at home. Work will also merge strongly into my life, because I will need a well controlled life-work balance if I'm going to get married. I want to save money AND make time for my husband and eventually, a family. Yes, I know it's late in the day, but I believe some changes need to be made. I've been drifting aimlessly for years, hoping for the seemingly impossible and losing myself in the process. I will have to think carefully who I spend time with, and who I will choose, because each choice has its own pros and cons. If I aim to get closer to the young one, I will have to consider his mom and family. Technically there is nothing wrong with us coming together, but culture and a lot of other factors will undoubtedly come in the way. If he chooses someone else, I will also have to accept that and understand the reason why. In any case, I hope there WILL be someone suitable who will love and accept me.

I did tell Graham that I'd like to visit him in London next year, so I hope I'll be able to save up enough money to do that.

That's it really. Have a good job and be happy with my life - hopefully with a husband in the picture. Seriously, I'm no angel. Good girls need sex too.

Sayang Menyayang

Believe it or not, any mention of the once popular '80s film featuring my name, starring Ogy Ahmad Daud and Jamal Abdillah really, really make me cringe. Yes, it was a hit. Have you noticed how BAD our 80s movies were??? Come on la, 27 years have passed. Tukar lawak lain boleh tak? Yeesh...

The script itself makes me geli geleman and wish they had used another name. The kicker is when random strangers start yelling "Azura...." or start singing the "Azura" song. (Facepalm).

However... Guess it's a little different when 2 entertaining boyz start singing another, less obvious song from the movie. They were just belting it out in the car, and this was on top of a morning listening to them bickering and singing all kinds of nonsensical tunes. It was actually pretty fun...


The song is actually titled Sandarkan Pada Kenangan, but the chorus goes 'Sayang Menyayang' (cue guitar twang ~tenenene...) I kinda forgot about this song, but it is rather cute... 


Warning: DO NOT search for the YouTube of this song. The opening script in the Naspazi version makes me want to puke. Did I REALLY enjoy the story way back then?? Sigh, what did I know, I was only 11. 

Here's an excerpt from the chorus. And to my two entertainers, thanks for a fun morning...  You boys rock :D

Sayang menyayang
Cinta dikenang
Perasaan menjadi rindu


Oh...
Lihatlah diriku yang kehilangan
Tanpa kasih mu sayang
Siapalah aku


Sayang menyayang
Saling percaya
Punca kasih berpanjangan

Overwhelmed

Am feeling a little overwhelmed right now... Have been distracted and unwell and anxious...

Some guy I used to talk to earlier this year suddenly reappeared out of the blue... It's not a good time because I'm still weaning myself away from the young one. In my head, I know that there will never be a relationship, but the feelings run too deep. It's taking a lot of time to erase him from my heart. I'm not quite ready to let go, even though I know I must.

The other guy is also slightly younger, but at least he's open to the age gap. I don't really have anything against him, except that I'm not quite ready to move on just yet. Also, because HE was ignoring me at the time, so I just deleted him from my phone. It's really easy when you don't really know someone. Lying's too easy as well. No wonder the brat does it all the time :P

What's eating me at the moment is that I'm lagging at work again. Somehow it's so difficult to control my impulses and put in an honest day's work. I'd do all kinds of side nonsense in between work and in the end all I have is a bunch of half baked shit to show at the end of a long day. It's a big issue.

I used to think that I'd just kill myself if I failed again, but I know that cannot happen... In a strange way, having someone actually chasing after me has kind of re-energised my dying spirit. The problem is, I'm not in the mood to layan him, well, not so much anyway. I layan him in small doses, that's all I can handle right now.

I know I can't keep him hanging, he'll soon tire of being ignored. But I'm not that excited about him, that's all. He lurks on my FB, looking at pictures without adding me on. Somehow my settings have become public, which is NOT a good idea... And I'm not sure if my changes took effect or not. He talks about me coming over to see him, which is against my rules. Guys should make the effort to come see me. Unless I really happen to be in your neighbourhood, I'm not incurring extra costs to go find you. There are so many things that I expect to be different, but I can't really tell him about it...

Maybe I've been spoilt by my non-Malay friends all these years. Pakcik always treated me well, he always asked me out in advance, never forced me to do anything I didn't want to... Whiny and ngengada Malay boys always annoy me! Menci... camana nak kawin camni?? Yang aku suka.... hrmph. Back to square one. Kalau nak magick myself to be 10 years younger boleh tak? :P

7 things I love about you...

1. I love the shape of your hands. Those big, capable hands... Well, OK. I've always had a thing about hands :-)
2. I like to watch you pray.
3. I like it when you take the trouble to stop somewhere to pray. When we go for prayers together, I feel a little less apart.
4. I like yr height. And size. And the fact people actually mistake you for my other half...
5. Who'd think, a simple Bismillah and doa before you drive could be such a turn on? I love it when you do that. It makes me feel safe.
6. You're smart. I like that. I'm sorry I'm not so smart, I know you like clever girls...
7. I like your naughty boy smirk. You can be such an adorable jerk sometimes.

Why seven? It's all I could think of at short notice. You're not perfect, neither am I. In this world, I can't match you. Maybe tomorrow I'll meet someone new, someone who will love me as I am. But the things that are good in you will not change, no matter who we end up with tomorrow :-)

Time out

Wish I could take a couple of days off, just to recharge again. Won't go anywhere this time, just stay home and catch up with stuff. The past few days have been running around fixing things and spending a lot of money - something that makes me very uneasy. Been having trouble concentrating on work. I think I need someone to bounce ideas off, a partner. Somehow that seems impossible to get. I wish I could get past this :(

Happy New Year!

Or Selamat Menyambut Maal Hijrah... I spent mine asleep in a dorm in Merapoh, tired after the long journey from KL, working life in general, and the quick survey drive we had that afternoon. Spent the long weekend on a CAT trip, even though I only went for one walk that Sunday morning. We found a freshly abandoned camp, some illegal timber and not much else. The animal tracks that used to be in abundance have all disappeared.

That evening, everyone else went to Bumbun Rimau. After that miserable night with Graham in May, I opted out and took a nice, comfy room instead. Made dinner with my trusty burner and mess tin, then had a short chat with Jim, who was there with Keong and Jeff, canoeing, then pottered with paints and went to bed. That was SO restful!

Woke up in the morning to a beautiful view, then joined the boys for breakfast outside. Sent them off on their canoe and kayaks, napped and simply enjoyed the peace and quiet. Left for KL after lunch. Pretty uneventful, a little jammed, but it was OK. Have come to a truce with the young one... He's nice to me as long as I don't ask for more than he's willing to give.. Fair enough I suppose. Too lazy to go find a new man, think I'll focus on work and let the guys find me instead. Why not, right?

It's a new year, and I pray that it will be a good one. Amin!!

My Mummy's Boys

I have always had the tendency to fall for mummy's boys.... Or maybe ALL boys are mummy's boys :D Not all of them are bad, some of them do manage to think for themselves when it matters. After all, not everyone is as bullheaded as I am, right?

Right now am super addicted to the Ojakgyo brothers, no thanks to K Ayu's introduction to Korean dramas! Managed to stay clear of Winter Sonata, sangkut yang ini pulak.. hehehe.. The reason - maybe because it's so realistic kot... Everyone has their good and bad sides, except maybe for Cha Soo Young's mom who is so damned bongkak and pretentious. Not to mention the super cute boys... The eldest tak berapa best pasal his character terlampau lurus, and the youngest is too opportunistic (right now la). Their characters change over time, and since watching from the beginning baru I paham Ja Eun's character and what she went through. The mom pun ada dark side jugak, and the dad is well-meaning guy who sometimes kena tipu, so a little bit of a loser at times. Kesian tengok Mi Sook yang suka kat Tae Sik tapi rebuffed; although now we know why she's so 'odd' la...

I love the interaction between the characters. It's kelakar when the makcik2 semua bergasak, menyampah when the bitchy girls cat-fight, and I LLOOOOVVVEE watching the boys bergasak among themselves due to whatever issue they had at the time :D Dalam ramai2 tu I think Tae Bum's the sexiest, no doubt he's some superstar out in Korea (obviously I don't know anything about local superstars, apa lagi yang kat Korea).

But overall, the whole drama encompasses family, love, relationships, marriage, conflict, semua ada. It's amazing how similar their values are to our own, and amazing that families actually arrange 'blind dates' instead of simply (and annoyingly) asking "takde calon ker?". Actually, if we look at it, the whole of Asia have remarkably similar values of close family ties and 'responsible' relationships. It makes me proud to be Asian :-)

While the Western open mindedness have been much admired and emulated, there is a distinct tinge of selfishness when it comes to relationships. It says, this is MY life, and no one has a right to force me to do anything differently. Having one's own mind is fine, but it's not so nice when we shut out family and push others away because of our 'individuality'. I don't know. We come from different mindsets, I guess...

Whatever it is, am glad yesterday's interview went smoothly and I can focus on building my career and putting my life back on track. That trip to Taman Negara this weekend would be a nice change after spending so many weekends at home. I do miss the clean forest air and  scent of damp earth :-)

The Real Me

Sometimes I feel like taking my tudung off. Why? Because somewhere deep down inside, I'm that wild child who yearns to frolic by the river, sleep under the stars and do whatever she likes in the depths of the loving arms of the rainforest where she resides. Temporarily, of course. The other half of me has become old-woman, urbanite who enjoys her cafe latte and dinners at Tony Roma's. Heh. Sad.

Somehow I feel more alive dressed in fitting tees, shirts and jeans/khakis. I like my baju kurungs and stuff, but rugged togs - I LOVE them. I love wearing grungy old clothes and just hang around some river doing nothing. Maybe read, or nap, at the most. Ah... but Uncle Razali's place in Rantau Abang has been sold off, and it's just too lonely to go lepak in Fraser's by myself. Especially since I lost my bins. What would I do there?? Haven't bought my DSLR yet, have I? .

Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis. Maybe this loneliness is getting to me. I miss my old man, maybe my buddies are getting to be a little high-end, maybe I just need a change... Or some time alone to recharge instead of worrying about work all the time. A partner in crime would be even better, but Uncle Bean has gone home and so far has not replied my email for the past week. It was fun hanging out w Uncle Bean in RA and Merapoh last time, despite the speeding ticket and (I suspect) scandal that rocked the Taman Negara. Relax la, we shared a room, nothing more!! Tak baik tau, tuduh2..

It's a bit stupid right now, wanting to go for a CAT trip, but knowing a particular person would prefer not to see my ugly old face instead of the sweet young things. I actually miss my picnic rock and swimming hole. On the other hand, it's the rainy season, and it might well flood the whole area, so any trekking would probably be torture. Give this old woman a break lah! Hmm... Still thinking of a place where I can go and relax for a couple of days...

Just a breezy Saturday morning...

Late morning and I've not showered yet... Slept at about 2 a.m. last night but managed to mix some dough to bake. Woke up in the morning and bake it - voila! Fresh bread. Unfortunately discovered mold in pack of grated cheddar. Um... hello, I bought cheddar, not blue cheese!! Sigh.

Was inspired to dismantle bed and lay down the nice Persian carpet in my room. So now I have more space to work, watch videos and pray. I won't have to work in the hall distracted by the TV, nor put up with the creaky bed anymore. The mattress is put up, I'll have to pull it down when I want to sleep. Seriously, I don't really know how this arrangement is going to work out, but well, I can give it a week or so. If I don't like it, it's easy enough to reassemble the bed. With the store room filled with my landlord's stuff, I'll just have to be creative with the space we've got. Why else would he give us such a cheap rent, right?

I AM feeling a little tired lately, but it's the nice kind that comes with physical exercise. Been busy with PMM5 preparations, but things have been progressing well, more or less. Have accidentally pissed off Ms Tram about the banner, but we have our design guidelines too! Sigh. See how we can work it out la... Still have a shitload of other things to take care of next week, but the meeting plans are more or less under control, thank God. Am hoping everything goes smoothly in HCMC, I do like this job, you know...

Exhaustion

It sucks being diabetic because it definitely drains your energy level. When I used to get out of bed by 8 a.m. and do all kind of things, now I just work on 1 or 2, or nothing at all. Right now I'm feeling downright sapped after the Riau stint. Am crawling to finish work and there's another damned meeting coming up today. Had a touch of mild food poisoning yesterday, so am further weakened. Been staying up late trying to catch up and it's screwing my insulin levels/insulin resistance. At least I feel less screwed after drinking air Yasin, am sure stepmom is doing *something*, but not sure what. It makes me feel disconnected and dispassionate and downright suicidal. Am seriously considering the doctor's and MC today... Haven't even bought my glucometer strips and haven't been to the gym in ages. My membership fee is just a waste unless I use the facilities :( Feel SOOOO tired. 8'(

Tucin

Since the Petknode debacle broke out, I had a hard time staying away from related posts. So kesian the cats and owners, nasib baik ramai fosterers yg tolong jaga the cats sampai the owners jumpa. I can't help much pasal 1) my 3 brats would definitely protest and 2) Money is depleted due to Raya expenses + road tax etc.

Some people yg tak berperasaan fikir they're only cats, but we know better, don't we? My 3 brats are like children, nasib baik I bawak diorang balik kg hari tu. Itu pun kesian jugak esp for Trina yg for some reason fobia  nak tinggalkan rumah. I know she would wail non-stop if I tried to board her anywhere, ditto for Leo. Kesian Leo masa pergi  nampak stress sangat dalam kereta. Michelle jugak yg steady.

Dah sampai kampung, Leo actually 'adopted' Mak Ngah's house and chased away another 'trespassing' male... 5 pagi kena pergi cari dia kat semak n bawak balik, okay... Michelle ok jer, Trina menyorok bawah/dalam almari for the whole 3 days. At one point she came out to eat, but Mak Ngah yg dah kurang ingat sikit mistook her for the stray cat that was supposed to stay outdoors and shooed her. Langsung dia tak keluar lagi dah lepas tu!!

I guess they knew we were going home on Thursday because all of them were really quiet on the drive home. All of them looked so happy to be back afterwards, just like us who sometimes 'tak kerasan' duduk rumah org lain :-)

Anyway, I hope those 2 bastards get properly screwed for their actions, and that all the missing cats are reunited with their owners. We have to ensure everyone knows such behaviour is unacceptable and will not be tolerated.

Ahlan Wasahlan ya Ramadhan!!

First day puasa hari ni. Alhamdulillah, sempat jugak ganti puasa tahun lepas + yang tertunggak (pasal tetiba period tak sempat cover). 10 hari beb! Tergezut jugak tengok kalendar tu. Almaklumlah, kalau tak bulan puasa memang tersangatlah liatnya nak sacrifice makan minum kan. Bangga jugak la kan. Hehheheh.

Last weekend, seperti biasa I bawak balik kerja dengan semangat berkobar2 nak menyetelkan 1-2 perkara over the weekend. And as usual - tak usik pun kerja. Nak reorganise my filing pun tak jadi. Sigh... Sabar ajelah.

But at least it's not because I malas maksimum, cuma masa banyak spent beli barang and repair merepair. Sabtu pagi, kumpul kat rumah Abang for breakfast, pastu gi kubur arwah Mak. Kemas2 sikit, baca Yasin, baru balik. Tunggu2 cleaners dah sudah baru dryer repairman datang. Petang/malam pi beli groceries pulak. Dah satu hari gone (not to mention lots and lots of $$).

Sunday, plumber pulak datang. Pagi bangun lambat, so time wasted lah. Petang lepak kejap, then pegi beli lock bilik air, merayap ke Tesco/Curve utk makan, tukar duit & beli hadiah Inas. Rupiah dah habis. Tak jumpa the food I needed, so OTW balik singgah Jaya Grocer pulak. By the time sampai rumah dah malam. Makan sushi kejap, semayang + terawih, tidur. Habis 2nd day.

So today back to work oredy... Cepatnya masa berlalu, kan? Motor tak repair lagi tu. Kalau hari2 kena drive meredah jam mau pengsan ni.

Mechanical Malfunctions

Most of the time, my home appliances and vehicles work without any problems. Unfortunately, they lately seemed to have entered a pact to multifariously malfunction at the same time.

Last month, the TV blew. I bought a 2nd hand set before realising that the old one might be fixable. But the new TV was cheap and a welcome upgrade anyway. Fixed the old one and sold it off for RM200 - just enough to cover the cost of repairing and value of the set. OK la. So pleased with my 'new' TV :D

2 weeks back, the motorcycle back tyre went flat. I parked it and haven't had the chance to deal with it yet. Plus, spent too much money earlier, so now not much left for repairing non-urgent stuff. Thank God the car is fine. Except that the bumper is hanging off quite disgustingly, no thanks to my carelessness while parking. Will have to deal with that soon.

The other day, the bathroom lock decided it wasn't going to budge. The knobs turned, but the spring lock thingy didn't, effectively trapping me inside. Luckily it was at night, so K Ayu was at home. She handed me a wire hanger, and with skills learnt a long time ago, I managed to ease the lock open. It still stuck though. Yesterday I took out the offending part and found that the thing was rusted inside. No wonder la jam. Sigh. Why la use inferior locks? Rumah aku dulu bertahun-tahun tak pernah jam.

The bathroom sink also another issue. Last year it was kind of loose, now it seemed to get worse. Soon the whole thing would come tumbling down! Asked the landlord to fix it and he asked me to get someone to do it and deduct the cost from my rent. Okay... Been trying to contact an odd jobber without much luck. Next week la I try another contact. Penat oredy.

Last week, the dryer was making funny noises (like thunk thunk thunk...) while I was drying my clothes. When it was K Ayu's turn, it stopped making noise and stopped rotating altogether.. Oh great!  Now, this might not be a big problem to other people, but since the last 15 years, we have relied on this wonderful invention to dry our clothes in 1 hour flat; saving us the worry of rainy days and lack of space. And space is a major issue in the tiny apartment where we live. Thankfully, neighbour gracefully allowed us to borrow her washing lines today. In addition, there are clothes hanging in the laundry area, blocking the way into the loo, and some clothes have been moved from my clothes rack to make way for my undies. There's another batch that needs to be done, but it'd have to wait until some space frees up.

Knowing how expensive Lux repairs can be, I borrowed a set of spanners from Abang and actually opened up the dryer yesterday. With almost zero knowledge of mechanics, I had the impression there was some kind of weight that helps the drum move had fallen off. It turned out that the belt had broken. Well, after 15 years, I guess it had a right to die. So... can't fix it myself, won't have time to go buy the parts, so called the repair man and arranged for him to come fix this one sometime next week.

Also yesterday, saw the light hanging low and gatal went and pulled on it, imagining some kind of spring mechanism would pull it back up. The one in the old house had that system. But the one HERE didn't. So with a loud pop and some sparks, the whole fixture came off in my hand! Oopsie... Didn't succeed in fixing it yesterday, but thanks to divine inspiration today, and help from sister who held the heavy bits while the system was tested and the screws went in, the lights are on again. Unfortunately I broke the fluorescent circle, so we'll just have to make do with the small tungsten bulb for the time being. At least I won't have to pay for an electrician and a whole new fixture!

Stupid bed creaks and the frame of my favourite spectacles is broken... am waiting for inspiration so that I can get them fixed. I'm sure SOMETHING can be done, but for the time being, KIV aje lah...

Oh, Abah's phone died too. Seriously! Sometimes I think he purposely destroys his phones, or evil stepmother did... Considering getting him a  new one with camera, since I can't afford to buy him another cam. Feel a bit sorry giving him hand me downs, the camera I gave him is seriously stupid and should only be used by little children. Can't give him my Cybershot until I upgrade, and even then feel a bit sayang to give it away; it's lovely and a useful cam to carry around for general snaps. Bloody hate the phone camera - terrible picture quality. Don't understand why he can't buy himself another phone, though. And Nokias are usually quite resilient. Dry it for a couple of days and they'll be good as new. Sigh. Maybe I'll give him a nice lecture when I hand him the new one. Wait, who's the parent here? Bleh.

Anyway, I'm thankful that today's a balmy Sunday, the house is clean, and there is food in the fridge. Most of the chores are done, and half the repairs are dealt with. Will deal with the rest next week. Now I just want to take a shower and do some work so that tomorrow I can go home at a reasonable time. Bye!!

Para paranormal?

I don't know if I'm just plain confused or what, but some funny things have been happening lately.

On the flight back from Jakarta, while queuing to get to my seat, a little baby tugged the hem of my t-shirt and seemed to SPEAK to me in Indonesian. I didn't quite make out what she said, but I felt it was strange that she spoke like a grown up, not baby talk as I would expect. I'm still wondering if I wasn't imagining things.

Just last night, I was feeding a stray cat near the apartment. I had left my door open while I moved the food bowl from outside my apartment door to further down the hall. The kitten was afraid of coming too near my place as my 'vicious' cats had attacked her just that morning. As I watched her eat, an unfamiliar Indonesian couple passed by. Then I thought I saw them entering my apartment. Puzzled, I went over, but they weren't there. My next door neighbour are Indians and I didn't quite see the other door opening....

But then, I think the neighbour's grille slides instead of opening out, so MAYBE they went in there instead. I did hear sounds of doors opening & closing. And MAYBE the Indian neighbours have moved out, because they used to burn incense and stuff outside their door and I didn't notice those any more (I'm not too keen on heavy scents). Plus, there was one incident when white chalk was smeared outside their door, it was kind of scary. Maybe they moved after that, although I did come across an Indian guy going into that unit recently... So I am a feeling a little off track with all these things. Granted, I'm not always aware of neighbours changing, it happens quite a lot, apparently. It's just that we don't really meet. Oh well, hope the Indonesians are next door and not figments of my imagination... Touch wood!!

Signs of... insanity??

I don't know... I have been actually looking at weddingy stuff and thinking about having proper bertunang and stuff... Yesterday I was looking through Secret Recipe's catalogue and I actually considered some of the designs for a hantaran, if I ever go through the bertunang phase and whatnot. Strange since I don't even have a significant other to hang out with, much less marry... Pakcik is never going to get past his late wife, and I am not yet over my imaginary 'other half'. But you know.. the guy is such a traditionalist, I can't imagine HIM going for an impromptu nikah session at the pejabat kadi. Ha ha.. That's what I used to dream of - a simple nikah session, no frills, no fancy, expensive wedding do. But I guess, to a certain extent it IS necessary to announce your nuptials to the public. He HAS got his mom to consider. My dad - he wouldn't care if I ran off with some guy from another country. Just one less daughter to feel guilty about. She's an adult, she can take care of herself. Yeah, dad. I sure can. Why think about me at all, right?

Or maybe I just watched too much of Chef Wan's daughter's expensive nuptials. Ye lah, bapak lu kaya boleh la...

In any case, going cold turkey's no fun, but it just has to be done. It takes two to tango, and if I keep on trying to dance alone, I'd go stark raving mad. The other guys are just... guys. I don't even know why I'm so mad about someone so... unlikely. But I love him. Because he's a good man, and he prays, and he fasts, and he observes the limits... Because he loves babies, and because people think he's my hubby... So funny, they don't even ask if he's my bf, they go straight for gold. Ha ha.. Because I still think he's my other half.. He's obviously not interested, because if he was, he would have called, or SMSed, or Skyped, or said hi, or come over. I know I'm too old for him, because all the fucking stupid Malay boys all think they have to marry bloody young girls to be happy. Which brings me to the other thing that gets my goat.

Since I was 27, all the men I talked to, asked the same stupid question - kenapa tak kawin lagi. Isn't that a stupid question? They all thought I was too old. Well guess what, I'm getting older and older and they're still asking the same stupid old question. Why don't they ask me about my life, my work, my self? Why can't they just ask me for a respectable night out? Why can't they accept me as I am? Why can't they be like Pakcik and entertain me and spoil me a little without expecting anything in return? We had a great time hanging out in Taman Negara. We had fun hanging out in many places. If only I felt SOMETHING for him, it could be a lot more serious. But I don't, so we are just friends, no benefits, mind you, and he makes me happy... I'm a simple girl. So why can't any of them be a friend, and take it from there? Seriously, I'd be happy to have more friends. I'd love to fall in love with a friend. Because to me, that is what love is. It's two people who love,  trust and respect each other, taking care of each other, making each other a better person. It's not just about building a family together, it's about building a better life together.

Anyway, I'm blabbering. I'm so freaking frustrated. I keep falling for men who reject me, and the guys who are kind of keen just don't fit. Nothing ever works out. All I ever wanted was someone who would love me as I am. Why does it have to be so hard to find him?

The "J" Word...

Todays' Metro story - kids who learnt abt sex via porn videos and ended up pregnant were clueless abt contraception. Yet goody2 parents don't want sex ed in classrooms... Aiyoo.. might as well give them a head's up la in these day and age when sex & porn is shamelessly touted in the streets. Dulu2 ya la, susah nak cari x-rated vids. Sekarang ni, download aje kat internet. Kedai video haram pun berlambak2. Porno katun pun ada. (Flashback: At a video store: What is that Disney princess doing? OWH! OK. Wrong album :P) And with the prolification of American teenage stories, budak2 think nothing of 'experimenting' wherever they can find a bit of privacy. I know zaman dulu pun ada jugak, tapi takda la rampant macam sekarang...

And to think there are a bunch of us old maids who can't get a partner because we're somewhere in between goody2 and modern and can't find the sweet spot... Sigh.

Sad, kan? I'm still pining for someone I can't have because so far he's the only one who seemed to fulfill all my requirements. It's so not my fault he was born late!! Been talking to others, but no one seems to fit the niche. Uncle Bean is nice and everything, but he's not the one. I so wish I could find someone who loves me as much as I love him... Why is it so hard? It's not fair!

Desperate Measures

Last year, I initiated a life-changing habit - going to the gym. a.k.a. moving from 0 exercise to at least an hour of light to moderate exercise weekly. So far, I've managed to lose 5% body fat (more or less) and 0 kgs. Well, I think I did lose up to 4 kg and gained it all back when I pontenged for more than 3 weeks. Even worse when I'm depressed because then I'd eat more and exercise less.

So now that habit has been more or less ingrained, but I have failed to achieve the desired results, it's time to up the ante and push harder. I have just decided to cut out white rice from my diet. I'm not worried about being carb deprived. I'd still get some from my drinks and other foods. Going easy on the starches is an obvious way to cut out empty calories and get my blood sugar under control; because loath as I am to admit it, my sugar control has been pretty lousy.

The other thing I've done is to book a cleaner for the house. Since I'm forever distracted and/or busy, the only way to get the house clean is to hire some help. K Ayu does help keep the bathroom under control, but face it, it's just not enough. By the time I come home, I'm tired. The most I can do is cook, eat and wash the dishes. Some assistance would help keep the house presentable if by some miracle I have a boyfriend and his mother decides to come and inspect his lady love's abode. In any case, a clean apartment would benefit everyone. If I can afford some help, why not?

So, pretending that I have nuptials on the horizon, my life is about to be upgraded. Seriously, I hope it works.

Family Ties...

You  know, sometimes my family can be the most obtuse people on the freaking planet. As usual I told Abang of my nice new job, totally omitting the fact that I had lost my job the month before. I never told anyone except my sister about that. She lives with me, and she never knew or asked until I told her - AFTER I got the new job. No one knew of the misery I went through in those 2 months... No one even noticed how fucking miserable I had been. Only my friends noticed that something was amiss.

Then he advised me to give money to Abah whenever I saw him. Well, first of all, I'm a little short of cash right now. Have paid up front for people and haven't got paid back because *someone* thought I'm rich now that I've got a decent new job. Excuse me! I'm trying to pay off a bunch of debt and saving a little money so that we can afford to buy a decent place next year... A car upgrade wouldn't hurt either.

Anyway, how would I know WHEN I'd see Abah? I normally pay people at the beginning of the month and carry around minimal pocket money the rest of the time. I've been banking in money to his account and he either never notices it or never bothers to say thank you. Nice, dad. Didn't your mom teach you any manners?? Such a small thing and I'm still feeling hurt. Guess the worst part is no one in the family ever cared about your feelings. Guess why I started the act of being A-OK even when I'm not...

Sigh. C'est la vie... Thank God for my friends!!

The Katana (A Haiku)

A samurai sword
Glinting sharp edges of steel
Swoosh! Off with her head.

Cast Away

It's amazing how much I miss my people... I dream of them all the time! Discussions, chatting, talking, sharing... I miss bantering with Mz Hoity Toity, I miss looking at my other half, I even miss rushing to work and stressing over deadlines!!

I do have other work to do, plus a shitload of household chores to take care of... Slept super late last night just dusting and reorganising my *stuff*. Well, at least the room is clean now. Gave TV cabinet a cursory swipe with the 'wand' this morning, still have to reorganise the other cabinet as well as nail down my assignments. Got CVs to prepare and am too sick/lazy to deal with them... Sigh. At least my voice is coming back already. Padan muka aku, gatal hisap rokok lagi...

It's All in The Head

As often as I admire people who could write complicated reports on the fly, or do wonderfully creative things, yesterday I realised that all that came from hours and hours of practice and observation. I had been playing with databases for ages, so for me it was all second nature. Trying to teach it to others, I could see how complicated it all seemed. Assuming it was all the same, then I probably could learn to write faster if I was more rajin about putting my thoughts on electronic paper. Same would go to my technical writing and thinking - it would probably get easier if I had more practice. The question is, where and how do I get the practice that I need??

Why, people, why??

It boggles my mind that perfectly wonderful single men bemoan the fact that they haven't found a mate when they  habitually find fault with the gazillions of females flitting around them. Excuse me, all you have to do is open your mouth and ask someone out on a date. You don't have to nikah with every single female you go out with, you know.

I so don't understand why some people think that dates are risque. What the heck do you do on your dates, people? Seriously, dates can be light and fun, no haram activities involved. I, for one, don't mind a casual date every now and then...

Well, okay. Fine, I'll admit it. There's this new Moroccan place I want to check out, and I want to go out with a guy for a change. Any takers? :P

Different Strokes for Different Folks

Sometimes, jokes hurt. A friend recently joked about lezzers and accused me of being one too. I ignored it, but inside it hurt. Just because I don't take liberties with my male companions doesn't mean I don't like men. I do! But being a practicing Muslim come with certain codes of conduct governing the relationship between men and women. Halal and haram does not apply only to food... So I refrain from physical contact no matter how much I want to.

The same friend also made fun of another guy friend due to the same thing - that he behaved 'differently'. Yet I know that he is just being a well-mannered, God-fearing Muslim man. I'm sure he's not gay, and I'm sure he would behave like any other red-blooded male with his future wife. Just because we observe the rules don't make us strange. We simply operate with a different set of rules. I feel some of your 'rules' nonsensical, so why impose your values on us? It's ridiculous!

I find it so disturbing because I know that I'm not a goody2. I bend the rules on a regular basis, yet in this matter, the boundaries have been so ingrained that it's impossible to cross the line despite numerous opportunities to do so.  If ever I could have justified so much as kissing a man I wanted, I would have done so. But I CAN'T. At the end of the day, it's between me and God, and that relationship is too important to severe.

It hurts enough that I can't find a man who loves me, not being able to gain any emotional security. To be accused of preferring girls is way too much. I know I'm hopeless when it comes to guys, but please, don't accuse me of being what I'm not. Not if you want to call yourself a friend.

There's Always a First Time...

After driving for years without ever experiencing a major car breakdown; I broke that record last Monday.  Was driving home from Sg Yu with JC and Darren in the afternoon after a CAT trip. It was a hot day. After a while, I noticed that the aircon wasn't cool anymore. Thinking it was the weather, I also started to wilt. Looked for a place to stop but that proved hard to find. Eventually swung into an Esso somewhere after Lipis town, just before Benta. Took a break and thinking we were low on aircon gas, we decided to go look for an aircon place. Went into Benta and after a few wrong turns, found an aircon shop in the middle of town.

After checking, the guy discovered it wasn't the aircon after all, the engine had overheated because the radiator was blocked!! Nasib baik tak terbakar! Had to wait hours while he serviced the radiator and changed a few parts. The price: RM220, part of which was covered by the guys' contribution to the petrol cost.

The best part was, I had just spent a small fortune changing the belts, engine mountings and fixing the leaky exhaust.The last was just that morning; I actually drove all the way up to Gua Musang just to fix the leaky exhaust, thinking that 1) it might save me on petrol and 2) I could help support the local economy. Paid cash some more, thinking I was going to be OK for the rest of the month.

In the end, the total bill came to a cool RM1129. Ouch!! On the other hand, I'm not worried about the belts, mountings, exhaust and radiator anymore. Engine also runs quietly, no more bergegar2. I would have had to fork out the money eventually anyway... So, kind of nice to get it all settled. Just a bit of a shocker to be stuck like that lah.

And it did throw my budget off. Was so happy I was well under-budget just the week before! Nasib baik ada a secret stash for my duit belanja the rest of the month... Sabar ajelah...

Sunday Morning Blur...

5 days of break and now baru nak pikir which things I absolutely must get done today... Granted I whiled away the first doing nothing, work like crazy the second, hung out with family and friend + shopped like a shopaholic (am not kidding, I really bought tons of stuff) on the third, read and moped a little on the fourth and now I'm already on the last!! 24 hours x 5 days is only 120 hours, izzit? Well, guess  more could have been done if I wasn't reading so much yesterday, but then, I don't have so much time to read these days, so it was nice to be able to.

Now, among the things I must decide are:
1. Stop by bank and make some payments on the way to OU/gym.
2. Go to OU and i) fix belt (if shop can do it), ii) go to Blue Cube and sort out some phone stuff iii) trim hair? iv) Pick up some this n that from the supermarket.
3. OR go to the gym to hang out, sauna, yoga and work off some blubber. Haven't gone for a couple of weeks and I'm feeling it.
4. OR stay home and clear out old clothes and mags and useless documents and dust and bake etc.

Actually I can get everything done, if I strategize, but brain is in lazy mode and it's too much trouble to think. But now I've babbled about it, I can actually see a course of action...

To the gym first, for either pump or RPM. Grab lunch in Uptown or OU. Go to bank IN OU, then do the rest of the stuff. Come home and deal with chores. It would probably take the whole day, but it would get done, I think. Nice. Cheers!! :-D

And Here's Why We Shouldn't Read Horrorscopes...

OX: (1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997)

The Ox had a smooth-sailing year in 2010, but 2011 will be the reverse. Not only does he not have the guidance of auspicious stars, the Ox this year is surrounded by small disaster stars. This is a year of fluctuating luck.

MONEY: Wealth is neither much or little. Whatever money gained may be lost in various ways. Refrain from all high-risk investments. Resort to low-risk investments such as fixed deposits. Although the returns are low, it is better than nothing.

HEALTH: Health is also so-so, but be extra cautious when going out so as to avoid any unforeseen circumstances. The presence of a sadness star may affect the health of old people and children at home. Try to avoid funerals or visiting the sick in hospitals, as doing so will suppress your luck.

LOVE: It's poor peach blossom luck this year. No romance luck for singles. For those who are in love, avoid arguments with your loved ones. Maintain a good rapport with your partners, as this will help you de-stress and build good relationships with those you love.

CAREER: The inauspicious violent star will bring obstacles at the workplace. For those planning to set up their own business, it's better to put the idea on hold first. You need to prepare and plan well before embarking on any business for the right timing, or the bad star may bring you misfortune in your venture.

REMEDY: Be more objective when handling anything. Watch out for enemies who may bring accusations against you. Be extra careful when working or driving to avoid mistakes or mishaps.

Read more: What's in store for the animal in you http://www.nst.com.my/nst/articles/VBzodi3-2/Article/#ixzz1D24DKqWt

Thinking vs Memorising

I am an unfortunate product of a regurgitative education system. I can easily remember facts, but unable to dissect them and form them into any semblance of a useful product. In the school of hard knocks, I am a preschooler.

Quotable Quotes

Words that are currently more or less stuck in my head:-

"Life is not about finding yourself, life is about creating yourself."-Brian Solis

If it takes five minutes, five minutes will have to be found. 

You cannot simply vomit whatever you know into the write-up. 

Heh! :P

Transport Trouble...

Have been having minor inconveniences with both the bike and car recently.

Car radio suddenly died, cardiac arrest again, like last time la. Then the back board (the one covering the boot, whatever you call it) is driving me up the wall because right way up, it falls off its 'shelf', and upside down, it stays but looks ugly as hell. Alamak, baru teringat I wanted to cover it up with an old tablecloth or shawl hari tu. Hmm.. maybe when I go home kot... Anyway, have stopped by the accessories shop to enquire about buying a new original one. So annoying lah! There is this flap that gapes open if I turn it upside down, and my boot is full of nonsense from gym shoes, hiking shoes, baldi cuci kereta, kotak rain cover motor, helmet, kain buruk dan yang sewaktu dengannya. Haih... jatuh saham aku/keta aku.

Jumaat malam tak dapat parking, double park kat tempat biasa. Semalam tak turun, rupa2nya alarm sudah trip, aku tak tau... Agaknya pasal tu la semalam nak call delivery tak lepas2. Yang Nandos tak angkat, McD dah stop deliver ke Permai. gangsta jugak apt aku ni, ya? Teksi takmo datang, delivery takmo hantar... Sabar ajelah. Pasal 'busy', tak nak masak. So berlapar la sampai malam. Then K Ayu call kasi tau alarm dah trip. Seb baik kitorang parking dekat2. Kalau tak, langsung aku tak turun! By the time turun, bateri sudah nak kaput... Keta tak boleh start... adoiiii... Naik keta K Ayu pegi  makan, hari ni baru nak kasi setel. Nasib baik call Abang dulu, dia suruh try jump start and charge balik bateri. Malam tadi ingat dah kena beli bateri baru... Jimat duit aku! Alhamdulillah, pagi ni keta dah boleh start sendiri, so kasi dia charge sementara layan motor ... And the radio pun dah ok balik (like last time la). Yeay!

Motor pulak, dari tahun lepas takmo start, pasal kesejukan kot, kena hujan hari-hari. Lepas seminggu tak bawak, dia mogok. Pastu aku sibuk, tambah lagi 3 minggu tak jalan, lagi la dia jam! Tadi try nak start tak boleh. Mujur ada 2 orang boys yang baik hati nak tolong startkan. Mula2 tak nak jugak, tapi lepas diorang blah, pelan2 dia ok. Now dah boleh jalan balik, tapi camni rasa hari2 kena tutup pasal tak tentu bila nak bawak, nanti masuk air hujan demam lagi motor tu... Pasal dah janji dengan kedai, bawak la nak tukar gear meter dengan cover. Tengah jalan tayar pecah la pulak! Try isi angin, dia flat balik. Sorong la ke kedai motor. Nasib baik dah dekat. Part turun bukit I coasting jer. Ni la tengah tunggu diorang baiki nih. Kalau bawak moto pegi keja, jimat sikit duit parking. Sehari dah lima ringgit... duit makan lagi... susah tul nak simpan duit!

So, kalau motor dah setel ni, esok cuba setelkan keta pulak. Nak check timing belt semua tu, keja bulan depan. Bajet aku dah nak habih dah ni!! **Hmm... sempat tak nak hantar cuci kereta? Esok kena drive la...

Stab victim wanted to turn over new leaf

http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2011/1/9/nation/7763180&sec=nation

Wow. Really? Didn't get very far, did she, if she's preggers already, before even getting engaged... And God knows WHAT she did with the other guy that drove him completely off the wall. Am I being judgemental here? Maybe I am... Maybe I'm just frustrated, not being able to get anywhere with the guys while kids like this have people killing to be with them. Or in this unfortunate case, killing them. NOT what I want, by the way :P

Sigh. I mish my ...

Hapdet

Sigh... too many things on my mind, feelings in my chest, and no other half to offload to :( At least last time Pakcik was around I could whine to him. He's good at layaning me whine! He's a whiner also la, so we'd have these long whinefests all the time :P Ha ha... Seriously, I could do with someone to balance me up. I like someone la, but with two squares, it's hard to get round, if you get my drift ;-)

Am so freaking out because I bit off more than I can chew and now I'm just struggling to get back on track... Hope I make progress this weekend...