Tuesday, January 20, 2015

My Idea of Heaven

Is it funny that my idea of 'heaven' is running around freely in American wilderness? You know when we pray, some people say we should envision heaven and hell to help us focus. Well, my vision of heaven is more often than not a stand of deciduous/coniferous  temperate forest. My abode would be a log cabin, with a beautiful stream and lake nearby... I didn't go as far as imagining the handsome companions a person living in heaven is entitled to, but AHEM, it would be much appreciated :D

So funny when people talk about lavish palaces of gold and emerald and silver, luscious grapes and wine, all that could be consumed without suffering ill effects afterward. Well, for me, if I could eat anything yummy without worrying about my sugar level, I'll be happy enough.

Of course I'd be more than happy to loll around all day without having to worry about work and looming deadlines. But I suppose one would need to be very pious and revere God all day to attain that right? Err... I'm not SO pious. Actually, I just want to stay out of hell, 'coz I DEFINITELY don't want to deal with all the torture and pain. So maybe I just want a nice, comfortable place to stay with sufficient food and entertainment? Donno lah. Haha... aci ke macam ni?

Sunday, January 04, 2015


I have been pretty sad about the little one's death. Maybe because I didn't have much time to grieve. She died in my arms on 17th December, the day I went to Bangkok for my birding holiday. Buried her under the tree, beside the front garbage collection centre.

Maybe it was for the best, but it hurt all the same. I had been worried that her eye wasn't opening as it should. The flu was better, and the swelling had gone down, but they were half open at best. She wasn't growing much, and drank very little for a 3 1/2 week old kitten.

A few days before, her formula ran out and i decided to just use the cheap one K Ayu bought earlier. But it was sticky and she had diarrhea, so we switched back to the expensive formula.

The day before K Ayu had a meeting and couldn't come home in the afternoon to feed her. I couldn't run either, so I came home as soon as I could but still arrived late. She was hungry so I gave her some soft food on the counter. I was going to move her later, she had become more careful of late so I thought it was ok to let her sit there for a bit. But she lurched forward just as I was pouring her milk and she fell with a sickening splat on her tummy. She seemed ok enough, but she didn't drink as much as she should have. That night she didn't want to drink either. And she puked. I didn't notice how much until I cleaned her towel.

I turned in early and in the morning I found her sprawled on the floor. She was cold. I warmed her for a bit, then put her under a blanket. I was busy - packing, cleaning, this that and the other. Mid morning I coaxed, almost forced her to drink. She stopped drinking and soon after she was limp. I wasn't sure if she was dead, it took me a while to accept that she had gone.

Maybe I had overestimated her age. Maybe she was just too ill to recover. Maybe I was a little cocky, as my fosters usually turned out all right.

I was busy, too busy to take her to the vet. I was on a tight budget too, what with buying Abah's phone AND the upcoming Bangkok trip. We often fed her late, K Ayu left for work by 2, and I only got home by 8 pm. I had the Twins of Faith to attend, I was feeling bad for barely working. I came in late and left the office as soon as I could. I was stressed with all the mess in the house, and the extra work of bottle feeding a kitten. I often put her into her box and started cleaning as much as I could. Work never ends, does it?

Now she's gone, I still have some messes to clean up. Maybe it was the bad milk, but most probably it was internal injuries from her bad fall the night before. I feel so guilty about that. I should have put her on the floor. I shouldn't have put her on the counter. I should have given her more TLC, I should have coddled her that night instead of leaving it to K Ayu and going to bed.

Perhaps it was a test. I needed to realise I was too busy to handle a sick kitten. I'm sorry for all my mistakes, I'm sorry for letting you fall. Rest in peace Sasha, may Allah let us meet again in jannah.