Saturday, April 21, 2007

Don't be sad...

A family adopted one of the remaining kittens today. I hope she finds a good life with them. The other kitten seemed quite lost without her playmate. And Leo, instead of being all annoyed over sharing space, seemed quite protective of the little one. It looked so brotherly that I couldn't resist snapping a photo. So cute :-)

Getting Real

After the incredulity of realising that I was not as smart as I thought I was, it's now time to make amends for my mistakes. I'll need to learn to think again. It's not easy after running on autopilot for years. Low standards made me think I could do a lot of stuff. I could, but not PERFECTLY.

I'm studying again, learning and trying to catch up with what I was already supposed to know. Wild guesses don't work anymore. This is business. There are limits, there are expectations, and there are standards. At the end of the day, it all boils down to... "Do you want the job or not?"

And what choice do I have? This is what I had imagined doing for years, and failure is not an option. What else would I do for the rest of my life?

Funny enough, I found myself making references to the Grey's Anatomy characters.
- Could I ever possibly be like Meredith who was smart, sharp and hot at the same time?
- Also like McDreamy, Addison, Burke, Dr Bailey and the Chief who are superbly competent people.
- Or Christina, though I wouldn't want to be a slob and a tad self-centered.
- Or Izzy, who is good but a wee bit too emotionally involved.
- Or Alex, who is a basic jock, but then, history made him that way.
- I think my boss is a lot like Dr Bailey - tough Nazi, but there's a heart somewhere in there.
- Unfortunately I am a lot like George O'Mally who is a little blur much of the time and blanks out under pressure... Talk about being scared brainless... :p

Obviously I love the series, and hey, who says all the learning is in the books? :-)

I really blanked out the other day, and sometimes my brain just completely refuses to cooperate. For someone who thinks Gurmit is a teddy bear, it's something to be said about someone who could turn me into a blithering idiot. Or expose the underlying idiot. Whatever it is, I need to get my act together - Fast! Pray for me, please... I just can't afford to strike out on this...

Friday, April 13, 2007

Catching up

Finally met up with Chris over dinner a short while ago. Busy schedules kept us from meeting up since last year even though we lived a short distance away. Well, considering he had to fly out a whopping 58 times last year... It's no wonder. The man's a workaholic la, I tell you. He was with James when I went to pick him up, and he's working through the weekend still. Well, I'll have to work too, but at least I'll be able to go out to the lake for a bit... I hope...

You know how I was feeling crappy lately, trying to deal with my new job and new bosses and stuff; but a few hours of catching up worked like a tonic. We just talked about old friends, how WWF was doing, TRAFFIC work, MY new job, new staff, old staff... and as always, we decided that we SHOULD get the old Panda team together for a party sometime. We used to hang out A LOT. These days everyone is just all over the place. Liz is back in Oz, so is Ee Phin, Yumiko's in Laos... But Nain is around, plus Fiza. Amat, San and the boys should be able to come. We were thinking of probably a party out at Steven's or a trip up to Fraser's sometime. What about it, P? You game?

There was some not so good news, and some people we had no choice but to write off as irreparably damaged (friends DO NOT lie to each other, or steal other people's identity), but all in all, it was really, really nice to catch up. Thanks, Loret. You're an angel... Hope you had fun over at Azlina's kampung...

Oh I feel SO much better now. I think I'll catch a quick episode of Grey's Anatomy before going to bed - downloaded using my trusty Limewire. Ha ha. It's working fine now. Don't ask how or why. I'm just happy it is! Have a good weekend, guys! Mwaahs :-D

The Missing Half

I dreamed I lost a shoe, and someone found it back for me. Now, isn't that sweet? ;-)

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Lancing the Boil and Facing the Heat

It hasn't escaped my notice how quiet the taggie has become once I start writing about not so nice things. Ha ha. It's just human nature, I guess. Everyone likes things to be cheery and sunny all the time.

I used to only tell my parents the good stuff and hide the hurtful stuff that happened to me while I was away. No wonder they thought I was alway happy and well-balanced! If only they knew... Maybe I SHOULD have to told them what was happening, then perhaps they would have paid me more attention. But then, we have many reasons to do the things we do, and sometimes we do things the wrong way, and it's not easy to make up for it again.

In any case, I guess feeling and dealing with the pain has helped me find the truth. Rediscover old facts which had been submerged in my deeper consciousness for a very long time. Being told off itself helped me realise that I WAS in the wrong. My focus was all screwed up. I was coming in from the wrong angle, and I was so pleased with myself, not realising that I was not being in tune with the real world.

As with abcesses, aka boils, aka bisul, the medical treatment for it would be to lance the boil and remove all the pus and bad stuff inside it before giving oral antibiotics. Because without removing the bad stuff, the antibiotics would take so much longer to fix the problem. However, the process itself can be quite painful, especially if it hits on a nerve. Unfortunately, it just has to be done. So that's what my bosses did - burst the bubble and apply the remedy. And I had to do a lot of soul searching as well. It hurt, but it's worth the trouble.

In any case, an application of high heat is often useful in daily life. We use it in cooking, UHT treatment, tempering of steel and glass. Tempered steel and glass is stronger than the normal stuff. So people have learnt that an amount of heat, judiciously applied, can make things better off, as long as they were managed well.

So what I do hope is that I'll survive this hurtful process, and come out a better person at the end of the day. Insya-Allah. As for the postings, I hope I can get back to fuzzy wuzzy, warm and sunny mode soon. God bless :-)

Friday, April 06, 2007

School of Hard Knocks

Remember that saying,

"Give someone a fish and he'll eat for a day; teach him to fish and he'll eat for a lifetime."?

It's my bosses' favourite saying these days. And it's ME who's being taught how to fish. Their style.

I'm being mentally pushed and pummelled into shape daily. Each day is like an exam. Anything I discuss will be endlessly torn into its tiny little components and queried until I can't think anymore, and then I get screwed for not using my head...

Sometimes I feel like I'm five years old and I have a new set of parents who's trying to make something out of this idiot that landed in their laps. I'm only taking it because I know I have a lot of weaknesses which needs to be rectified if I want to get ahead. It's no use realising 10 years down the road what exactly you did wrong. But still, sometimes it gets too much and I clam up. I'm just trying not to lash back which is something I tend to do when I get pushed too far, because it would just make matters worse.

Sometimes I wish my parents had guided me more when I was young. At one point I blamed them for my incompetence. But at this point, there isn't anything they can do about it, is there? My mom is not here anymore. Neither is my dad. Not really, anyway. I know that they were doing the best they could under the circumstances. My mom was ill much of the time and my dad, being a guy, just left us kids to deal with things on our own, unless there was a major screw-up and then he would bail us out. Not a very good way of raising kids, if you ask me. But financially, he was responsible, and we never lacked for our basic needs. In any case, it's water under the bridge now. We're all grown up, physically, if not mentally; and we're surviving, at least.

Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to even like anyone. And somehow I end up liking fuckwits who lead me on by pretending to be just a tiny bit more than a friend. When all I wanted was someone I could trust to be a good partner to build my life with. Takpela. I'm nothing compared to the sweet young thing he already has. Thank you for leading me on. It was fun while it lasted.

Another day has begun, and a new round will start. God, help me through this, please!

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Sunshine and My Papaya Tree

One day, a tree decided to grow in my garden. It was a papaya tree and it bore good, sweet fruit. There was lots of sun, enough rain and nice black compost to give it all it needed.

Then came the haze. There was very little sun and hardly any rain. The young fruits could not ripen. After a few months, the sun shone brightly again, and the fruits could finally ripen.

But the fruits weren't as sweet as the ones before. They tasted funny. They had been sitting on the tree for too long, waiting for the sun to shine.

As it is with children who did not get enough 'sunshine' in their growing years. Compare them to those who were 'properly' brought up. I'm sure you can see the difference.

How can we expect all kids to automatically become functioning adults if they were neglected in their youth? We truly are a society who believes in miracles and magic. Maybe the bomoh can make things right again...