Signs of... insanity??

I don't know... I have been actually looking at weddingy stuff and thinking about having proper bertunang and stuff... Yesterday I was looking through Secret Recipe's catalogue and I actually considered some of the designs for a hantaran, if I ever go through the bertunang phase and whatnot. Strange since I don't even have a significant other to hang out with, much less marry... Pakcik is never going to get past his late wife, and I am not yet over my imaginary 'other half'. But you know.. the guy is such a traditionalist, I can't imagine HIM going for an impromptu nikah session at the pejabat kadi. Ha ha.. That's what I used to dream of - a simple nikah session, no frills, no fancy, expensive wedding do. But I guess, to a certain extent it IS necessary to announce your nuptials to the public. He HAS got his mom to consider. My dad - he wouldn't care if I ran off with some guy from another country. Just one less daughter to feel guilty about. She's an adult, she can take care of herself. Yeah, dad. I sure can. Why think about me at all, right?

Or maybe I just watched too much of Chef Wan's daughter's expensive nuptials. Ye lah, bapak lu kaya boleh la...

In any case, going cold turkey's no fun, but it just has to be done. It takes two to tango, and if I keep on trying to dance alone, I'd go stark raving mad. The other guys are just... guys. I don't even know why I'm so mad about someone so... unlikely. But I love him. Because he's a good man, and he prays, and he fasts, and he observes the limits... Because he loves babies, and because people think he's my hubby... So funny, they don't even ask if he's my bf, they go straight for gold. Ha ha.. Because I still think he's my other half.. He's obviously not interested, because if he was, he would have called, or SMSed, or Skyped, or said hi, or come over. I know I'm too old for him, because all the fucking stupid Malay boys all think they have to marry bloody young girls to be happy. Which brings me to the other thing that gets my goat.

Since I was 27, all the men I talked to, asked the same stupid question - kenapa tak kawin lagi. Isn't that a stupid question? They all thought I was too old. Well guess what, I'm getting older and older and they're still asking the same stupid old question. Why don't they ask me about my life, my work, my self? Why can't they just ask me for a respectable night out? Why can't they accept me as I am? Why can't they be like Pakcik and entertain me and spoil me a little without expecting anything in return? We had a great time hanging out in Taman Negara. We had fun hanging out in many places. If only I felt SOMETHING for him, it could be a lot more serious. But I don't, so we are just friends, no benefits, mind you, and he makes me happy... I'm a simple girl. So why can't any of them be a friend, and take it from there? Seriously, I'd be happy to have more friends. I'd love to fall in love with a friend. Because to me, that is what love is. It's two people who love,  trust and respect each other, taking care of each other, making each other a better person. It's not just about building a family together, it's about building a better life together.

Anyway, I'm blabbering. I'm so freaking frustrated. I keep falling for men who reject me, and the guys who are kind of keen just don't fit. Nothing ever works out. All I ever wanted was someone who would love me as I am. Why does it have to be so hard to find him?