Tuesday, January 20, 2015

My Idea of Heaven

Is it funny that my idea of 'heaven' is running around freely in American wilderness? You know when we pray, some people say we should envision heaven and hell to help us focus. Well, my vision of heaven is more often than not a stand of deciduous/coniferous  temperate forest. My abode would be a log cabin, with a beautiful stream and lake nearby... I didn't go as far as imagining the handsome companions a person living in heaven is entitled to, but AHEM, it would be much appreciated :D

So funny when people talk about lavish palaces of gold and emerald and silver, luscious grapes and wine, all that could be consumed without suffering ill effects afterward. Well, for me, if I could eat anything yummy without worrying about my sugar level, I'll be happy enough.

Of course I'd be more than happy to loll around all day without having to worry about work and looming deadlines. But I suppose one would need to be very pious and revere God all day to attain that right? Err... I'm not SO pious. Actually, I just want to stay out of hell, 'coz I DEFINITELY don't want to deal with all the torture and pain. So maybe I just want a nice, comfortable place to stay with sufficient food and entertainment? Donno lah. Haha... aci ke macam ni?

Sunday, January 04, 2015


I have been pretty sad about the little one's death. Maybe because I didn't have much time to grieve. She died in my arms on 17th December, the day I went to Bangkok for my birding holiday. Buried her under the tree, beside the front garbage collection centre.

Maybe it was for the best, but it hurt all the same. I had been worried that her eye wasn't opening as it should. The flu was better, and the swelling had gone down, but they were half open at best. She wasn't growing much, and drank very little for a 3 1/2 week old kitten.

A few days before, her formula ran out and i decided to just use the cheap one K Ayu bought earlier. But it was sticky and she had diarrhea, so we switched back to the expensive formula.

The day before K Ayu had a meeting and couldn't come home in the afternoon to feed her. I couldn't run either, so I came home as soon as I could but still arrived late. She was hungry so I gave her some soft food on the counter. I was going to move her later, she had become more careful of late so I thought it was ok to let her sit there for a bit. But she lurched forward just as I was pouring her milk and she fell with a sickening splat on her tummy. She seemed ok enough, but she didn't drink as much as she should have. That night she didn't want to drink either. And she puked. I didn't notice how much until I cleaned her towel.

I turned in early and in the morning I found her sprawled on the floor. She was cold. I warmed her for a bit, then put her under a blanket. I was busy - packing, cleaning, this that and the other. Mid morning I coaxed, almost forced her to drink. She stopped drinking and soon after she was limp. I wasn't sure if she was dead, it took me a while to accept that she had gone.

Maybe I had overestimated her age. Maybe she was just too ill to recover. Maybe I was a little cocky, as my fosters usually turned out all right.

I was busy, too busy to take her to the vet. I was on a tight budget too, what with buying Abah's phone AND the upcoming Bangkok trip. We often fed her late, K Ayu left for work by 2, and I only got home by 8 pm. I had the Twins of Faith to attend, I was feeling bad for barely working. I came in late and left the office as soon as I could. I was stressed with all the mess in the house, and the extra work of bottle feeding a kitten. I often put her into her box and started cleaning as much as I could. Work never ends, does it?

Now she's gone, I still have some messes to clean up. Maybe it was the bad milk, but most probably it was internal injuries from her bad fall the night before. I feel so guilty about that. I should have put her on the floor. I shouldn't have put her on the counter. I should have given her more TLC, I should have coddled her that night instead of leaving it to K Ayu and going to bed.

Perhaps it was a test. I needed to realise I was too busy to handle a sick kitten. I'm sorry for all my mistakes, I'm sorry for letting you fall. Rest in peace Sasha, may Allah let us meet again in jannah. 

Monday, December 29, 2014

Why I don't celebrate Christmas

A lot of non-Christians celebrate Christmas. It's a very glitzy, much popularised affair. All those Christmas carols, gifts, trees, cheesy Christmas movies, what have you. What's not to like? I pun join in the festivities too.

But at heart, it's not something I personally celebrate. For one, the cynic in me seriously doubts that it's the real Jesus Christ's birth date. A long time ago Christ's birthday was celebrated in February or April, I can't remember when. (Sorry tak larat nak research. ) December was time for the Yule festival, a pagan holiday. But someone decided to mesh the two together so people moved the date.

I wouldn't mind celebrating the real Jesus' birthday, you know. Isa alaihissalam (pbuh) is one of the greatest and much loved prophets in Islam. We believe in him, and Mary and the book bestowed upon him. But we draw the line at proclaiming him God. Since we agree that there is only one God; if he is God, who was he praying to?

The other reason is because I'm stingy. All this gift giving etc. Wow. That takes a lot of funds, people! I do give to those in need, and to loved ones, at appropriate occassions. But everyone at the same time? Haiya, cannot lar.

I'm actually bengang because someone proclaimed people who don't take to the Christmas spirit are idiots. Oi! Mulut tu jaga sikit boleh tak? Would you wish a Happy Deepavali to a true blue Ah Beng? Nonsense right? If you're not even Christian to begin with, no need to be so sebok la. This aunty also feels the Halloween parties, Oktoberfest and whatnot are just money making themes and don't really need to be celebrated in Malaysia.

Truth be told, too much false cheer can really backfire. Lonely and sad people actually get depressed amid the Christmas cheer.That is why suicide rates are higher in this season. People expect miracles and happiness, and when they don't come, they get even sadder.

So to cut the rant short, I'm not against Christmas. If you're a believer, go for it. And I hope you enjoy the festivities and merrymaking with friends and family. No need to try and cheer me up with something i don't believe in. I'm happy enough, thank you. 

Friday, December 12, 2014


Last year I was stressing out about buying the apartment. This year I was busy decorating, and then getting sick. I lost a lot of time, I got exhausted easily, and later I was just too busy keeping up with the housework.

I have not worked very hard this year. You can say I hardly worked. I feel bad about it. I wish I was a normal, competent human being. I wish I could catch up with my work, I am so far behind... I'm so slow, I get distracted all the time.

I hope 2015 will be a better year overall, I hate being a non-performer.

We should discuss hiring a weekly cleaner. K Ayu should chip in, local ones are expensive.

I need to work harder, make full use of the study and the home internet connection. No more fostering little brats. No more games.

May 2015 be the year I learn to work like other people. Amin. 

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

How long has it been?

If my love life in my 20s and 30s was sparse, it's simply nonexistent now :( At least I'm a little more financially comfortable. Alhamdulillah...

Lately I've had very little time for extracurricular activities, and I'm not very sure why. I haven't gone to an MNS talk or gathering for years.I haven't even renewed my membership this year! At least I'm planning a birding trip to Khao Yai in December. Birding has been limited to my apartment grounds, there are very few birds encountered in Indonesia.

Been busy with Mandarin classes the past few weeks, am lucky I passed the exam despite missing classes due to the meeting in Pekanbaru. Taking the following term walaupun malas nak belajar; at some point, I need to keep at something until I'm proficient enough to converse in the 3rd language... It's not fun, it's not glamorous, call it trying to cross the gap between our divided cultures. Bear in mind I also have to fork out about RM410 per term where I learn precious little in class. Unfortunately I need that guidance due to the difficulty in pronouncing the darn language.

Have offered to help at PAWS, hope I can keep at that if I start. I KNOW I won't be able to commit to SPCA or the zoo due to the distance. Yes, I hate driving through jams and I'm very calculative about my petrol consumption, plus, I'm greedy about spending time in the apartment.

Have been enjoying our apartment, I love having aircon and water heater and I'm spoilt for choice with both ASTRO and HyppTV available on top of fast internet. A bit of overkill, really. I really should share our connection with the neighbours, just need to be tactful and not hurt anyone's pride while at it. The cats love the place too, and I like having the balcony where I can plant stuff. Although I spend a bit of time cleaning up the place... No cleaners yet, local ones are damn expensive and I'm getting tired of supporting illegals. Especially the contractors, they REALLY piss me off.

I haven't been working very hard at all this year. Can't work at all at home. By the time I've fed the cats, cleared the kitty litter, watered the plants, cooked and ate, it would be very late already. If I watch TV or play games - done. All time wasted. That reminds me, time to unsubscribe Big Fish and Mind Tools... It's a bit nuts, actually.

Have still not painted our doors after so many months. K Ayu doesn't even consider it la. Bangun pagi main tepon, tengok TV, pegi keja. Balik tengok TV and main tipon lagi. Bloody useless roomate. Dah la bil aku yang bayar, housekeeping pun aku jugak yg kena buat. Masak jangan harap la. Aku ni hamba dia ke hapa gamaknya.

Teringat2 zaman tengok Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice, Chuck, CSI, Korean dramas non-stop dulu. Sekarang ni Big Bang pun tengok mana sempat aja, Downton Abbey sampai miss a whole season...

Well, my fault too pasal been spending a lot of time playing games. I like the mystery solving stuff even though I don't really like HOPs. And ironically, have been wasting too much time playing time management games.

Also spent time fostering the kittens and managing the brats I guess. Captain had this weepy eye for awhile, Pikachu had a minor kutu problem and Michelle's ear needs constant cleaning. Leo had an infected paw before he disappeared. Gues I spent some time looking for him too. I miss him ;(

Gone are the days I attended parties and had people over to the house. No more Mr Bean, no Mr P, no anak ikan, no Mr Lim. What a boring life I live... No dates, no phone calls, no affection, nothing. Wish I could find someone for real and not scare him away. Is it even possible? I wish it could be...