Overwhelmed

Am feeling a little overwhelmed right now... Have been distracted and unwell and anxious...

Some guy I used to talk to earlier this year suddenly reappeared out of the blue... It's not a good time because I'm still weaning myself away from the young one. In my head, I know that there will never be a relationship, but the feelings run too deep. It's taking a lot of time to erase him from my heart. I'm not quite ready to let go, even though I know I must.

The other guy is also slightly younger, but at least he's open to the age gap. I don't really have anything against him, except that I'm not quite ready to move on just yet. Also, because HE was ignoring me at the time, so I just deleted him from my phone. It's really easy when you don't really know someone. Lying's too easy as well. No wonder the brat does it all the time :P

What's eating me at the moment is that I'm lagging at work again. Somehow it's so difficult to control my impulses and put in an honest day's work. I'd do all kinds of side nonsense in between work and in the end all I have is a bunch of half baked shit to show at the end of a long day. It's a big issue.

I used to think that I'd just kill myself if I failed again, but I know that cannot happen... In a strange way, having someone actually chasing after me has kind of re-energised my dying spirit. The problem is, I'm not in the mood to layan him, well, not so much anyway. I layan him in small doses, that's all I can handle right now.

I know I can't keep him hanging, he'll soon tire of being ignored. But I'm not that excited about him, that's all. He lurks on my FB, looking at pictures without adding me on. Somehow my settings have become public, which is NOT a good idea... And I'm not sure if my changes took effect or not. He talks about me coming over to see him, which is against my rules. Guys should make the effort to come see me. Unless I really happen to be in your neighbourhood, I'm not incurring extra costs to go find you. There are so many things that I expect to be different, but I can't really tell him about it...

Maybe I've been spoilt by my non-Malay friends all these years. Pakcik always treated me well, he always asked me out in advance, never forced me to do anything I didn't want to... Whiny and ngengada Malay boys always annoy me! Menci... camana nak kawin camni?? Yang aku suka.... hrmph. Back to square one. Kalau nak magick myself to be 10 years younger boleh tak? :P