Guilt

Right now I feel like a mother who had abandoned her handicapped child :( I keep worrying about Nemo, whether she was going back to Mak Lang's house to eat or roaming around, scared and hungry...

But I haven't been able to go find her, being stuck in the office night after night because for some reason, I only sleep at 3 or 4 a.m. and then go around in a fog until noon when the old tinker finally kicks in. So I start on my mountain of mess late and end up late too. It doesn't help that there are so many things going on at about the same time and I'm scrambling to finish them all on a lame ass brain....

I managed to patch something together for RCP by Monday night but the PR for Raj has been delayed for too long. Just managed to throw him the Media Advisory today after holing up in the cave after lunch. Still owe him the Press Release which he has been asking for for ages. I HATE being this stupid person who can't get her work done on time. I wish there was some magic elixir which would help me wake up and deliver gorgeous work on time, every time.

A junior who just started work last year managed to get a new job which pays as much as my salary just one year later. It took me 17 years to get this far. How depressing is that?? All this while, I've just crawled along year after year scared to death of losing my current job because for some reason, I can't seem to be any good at anything at all. It's bloody depressing to be the stupid one who can't do well after years and years of trying.

I'm not even sure there would be any good to gain from going back to find Nemo because she could be miles away by now. But then, she did stay close when she roamed last year, so hopefully she would still be nearby and I can set things right...

It's doesn't feel right that she has to suffer because we, the dominant ones, could not tolerate her presence in our territory any longer... I DO love that silly old dodo, for what it's worth and I really don't want her to suffer. She probably suffers emotionally too, because probably the only person to actually care for and coddle her had abandoned her in lands unknown. Such betrayal would hurt for sure, right??

Maybe I feel too much on behalf of my animals, maybe I would have been better off as a vet... God knows.. I hope HE takes care of her, because right now, I can't. 

Follow-up procedures...

I think I need to balik kampung again to look for Nemo... Managed to call Abg Ajis (after a few tries) and he said she fled the cage by morning, because he DIDN'T stop by that night like Mak Lang said he would.

Damn. I knew it would happen. At least it's at the kampung with less traffic and no 10 floor drop. But still, I need to fix the problem now that the rehoming has gotten into a snag, as usual. This is one difficult cat, seriously.

And I did handle the transfer badly. I should have sent Nemo to Abg Ajis' house and introduced her to her new family instead of leaving her at Mak Lang's house. After I left, I realised that riding on a bike would freak Nemo out big time. For all her claws, she's just a big dodo...Sheez. Why do I ever listen to other people, really? Why? Why? Why?

I guess life would be perfect if she could get along with the other 4 terrors and used the toilet bin like everyone else, but she's not. And this was the best solution I could come up with. The least I could do is to go over and help her transition to her new life...

In the meantime, the other 4 dodos are sublimely happy to regain access to my room. They really seem to love sitting on my desk to enjoy the fresh air and sunshine. Pikachu slept on my bed last night and rejoiced in destroying my odd and ends. Sigh, if I could sort out the Nemo problem, it would be one less worry on my mind.

On the housing front, had a row with Abang last night. Complained to Abah and Shamila, was going to call Busu today but thankfully Abang saw the light and finally gave me the cheque late last night. Was sufficiently pissed off to ignore his call, had to force myself to check his message. When I saw it, I aborted a Scrab game I was in the middle of and drove over in K Ayu's car since mine was hopelessly blocked by then. Barely spoke a word to him since I was so annoyed. HOPEFULLY, the rest will be smooth going and I will have a new home by my fortieth birthday. Insya-Allah... There will be a lot of work to get there, but at least I won't be stuck at first base!

Relief..

Sent Nemo balik kampung semalam and finally got my room back, sans kitty litter. Have rearranged room to normal, changed sheets and put away clothes. When the offending tray was there, I barely wanted to be in the room, and many papers and stuff weren't put away properly. Nak semayang pun macam tak konfiden bilik bersih :(

On the other hand, felt very guilty about sending her away. It's not that I don't want to care for her. In a way, I'm worried that i'm the only one with the patience to deal with her silly, clingy ways. It didn't reassure me much to see K Maria's legion of starving babies being ignored while she visited with us. Guess I'm too much of a city girl to get along with the kampong's laissez faire ways. Tak nak mandulkan the kitties and just feed 12 cats the same amount of food you spare for 3. I may be making assumptions here, but I'm not too encouraged by what I saw. I hope Abg Ajis and family will be more responsible with Nemo. At least she can roam and have more people layaning her there. She's already fixed, so at least there won't be a problem of unwanted babies. I'll have to send over food and maybe money if I want to make sure she's well fed.

But then, my idiots here are just wasting a lot of food that they refuse to eat if it doesn't suit their tastebuds. Spoilt brats, huh? I didn't have much choice since I got sick breathing in polluted air for 2 months, and she needed space to roam and exercise. She was just eating and sleeping in my room, and it was difficult to take care of everyday stuff with a kitty litter in the way. It may be just under the table, but the smell was everywhere! Even when it was cleared, there was still a leetle stink to remind you that it's there.

I had to face the fact that Nemo was never going to be integrated with the rest of the brats. We should be moving this year, and puasa is coming, I just couldn't deal with the disruption anymore. So I sent her away and hope for a better life for the both of us. I hope I did the right thing. Things are pretty good over here, hope it's as good for her there too. 

Anxiety

Am glad I have the day off... Rushed in the morning to take Pikachu for the snip. Arrived a little late, but it was done in less than half an hour. A little freaked to see him so quiet after the procedure, but he was awake by the time we arrived in DU. Spent 20 minutes cleaning up after Abang's cats, then headed home.

Finally got one load in the dryer and one in the machine, with a few odd pieces soaking in the baldi. Am not feeling too good, thanks to the silly game that kept me awake all night Saturday. Will still be catching up with work though. Made a pot of nice Sri Lankan tea to accompany me; hope i'll have time for a nap later on. Will just have to deal with a few tasks so I won't be so bogged down tomorrow.

Won't have to cook since there's plenty of food left over from yesterday. Will just need to make a fresh batch of kuah pecal. Beats the Balinese version anytime :) Went over for a treat last week and left so unfulfilled because the 'tipat cantuk' tasted odd to my Javanese tastebuds.

Am feeling a bit annoyed with Abang because he's not home yet and he didn't tranfer the money to me, so I can't sign the documents and settle the deposit. It's been 4 months already, so both sides are getting unhappy. I really want to move  before puasa starts, I want to solat terawih at our new surau... It will need a couple of weeks to get money out of EPF and K Ayu's problem needs to be dealt with ASAP.

Right now, my laundry bag is on it's last legs and I hate being cooped up with Nemo in the room. Unlike Leo, Michelle and Trina, Nemo and Pikachu are a little invasive on sleepers - they like to kacau you at 6 in the morning. Not good when you go to bed at one! Due to the location of the litter box, I moved my clothes rack and little desk so could at least deal with my papers and catch up with my reading. But the arrangement is odd, and I find myself wishing for more room to maneuver. At least with Pikachu in the cage, I can leave my room door open for some fresh air. The wardrobe drawers are driving me nuts as well, the slides keep getting screwed and it's so difficult to open and shut. My fault, actually, for overloading them, but hey, where else do I put my clothes then??

Am feeling so tired of living in this crampy old apartment with annoying parking arrangements. Thank goodness the children are not screaming anymore. But the surau can be annoying depending on the presiding imam and bilal. I like one guy who actually calls you to prayer, not the other one who practically demands attention. It gets tiresome to be bombarded with sounds that is so much louder than necessary too often. The unit is quite nice, bright and airy, but I really need to move on. It's been 3.5 years already...

I know the new place will be further from the office, and it will need money to paint and repair, not to mention buying the crucial bits of furniture. But it would mean a home we can call our own. It would have more space than we have now, and I can actually install a water heater and aircon to make it more comfortable and homey.

I'm not supposed to whine, but I'm really a little weary from all this wishing and hoping and waiting. I hate the fact that I have to rely on someone else for money, and that person is holding us back more than is necessary.. I hope everything will move forward smoothly once we get the S&P and deposit done. Please la, I want to live in my own home...