Neverending story...

Awakened a leetle bit earlier today, about 6.30 a.m. Still managed to miss subuh, dragged myself out of bed at 7.25 for late prayers. Ventured out to eat my meds by eight. Washed the dishes, cleaned the washing area, soaked some odds and ends, put away the dry clothes, took out the shrimp for lunch... By 9.30 decided to just have cereal for breakfast. Did that while watching TV, then peeled a bunch of garlic so I'll save time later. Swept the whole house and then washed the odds and ends. In the meantime packed up my trash and changed all the bin liners. Booted up the computer and looked through the emails. Will have to work today. Sigh.

In the end decided to mop later, just mopped the horrendously dirty cat eating area first. I'll sweep my rooms later today and mop everything, redo the cat area + kitchen. It's so filthy it deserves 2 rounds. Sigh. And I'm supposed to be on MC. Well, can't recuperate in a dirty house, and with my sister working all the time, who else is there to do it? Unfortunately it feels like I'm cooking and cleaning all the time these days, with very little time left over to actually work. My study is still in a mess and my expense planner has gone missing. I'm pretty sure it was in the backpack the other day, but I may be mistaken and it's sitting nicely in my tray at the office. I'm not keen on going to the office with so much work undone, unless it's on the way to some other place.

The meds are a little less disgusting now, and yesterday managed to eat quite a lot. Am worried about blood sugar, of course, but couldn't check this morning because I've run out of alcohol swabs. Did get around to calling Sharmila yesterday and told her about my predicament. Got a little irritated at times because she was talking more than listening, but it did make me feel better to talk to a friend. Amazing how people you thought were friends could cease to be so and others somehow manage to replace them...

Anyway, Malaysia  was in the Thomas Cup finals last night. It was a very close fight. LCW won, then the first doubles and Chong Wei Feng lost. The second doubles miraculously fought back and won. Liew Daren put up a valiant fight but lost in the end. So the Thomas Cup got a new home in Japan now... I was proud to see the Malaysian team put up such a superb fight despite being miles behind in ranking to their opponents. It was good to see all Malaysians from all races supporting our boys. We need that you know, we need each other - MCIS - Melayu Cina India Serani....

I hate the way the political upheaval is creating havoc, but deep down, I know things MUST change for the better. We can't live in false utopia forever. Cronyism, politicking, bribery... it's not sustainable. But other races have to work together too. You can't expect everyone to give you equal opportunities when YOU also practise racism and only give opportunities to your own clan. Oh you know who you are! So everyone becomes overprotective of "their own" and everything becomes segregated. I believe we can and should learn from each other, work together and we can make Malaysia great.

I hope BAM gets its act together, stop the nonsense going on in there and start producing winners again. If sports is a good unifier, badminton and soccer are our keys to Malaysian unification. Next time lah. Go Malaysia!!

Mira Nair's Kama Sutra: A Tale of an Idiot

Somehow clicked on a link and ended up watching this old movie again. The last time I watched it I was still with WWF, maybe. That was a very long time ago...

I can't remember why I liked it the first time around. Maybe because it had those erotic scenes and they spoke English and not your typical Indian movie...

But now, I noticed that many facts were mixed up and obviously the girl, supposedly the 'heroine', was pretty stupid.

The 'king' was called Shah, suggesting it was during the Mughal empire, and Islamic, but their rituals and temples were decidedly Hindu. I suppose all of them had 'harems' and concubines or mistresses, whatever, so it didn't much matter what religion they were.

Now, this girl, Maya. She slept with the king on his wedding night to spite her princess 'friend' Tara who had insulted her. So she was found out and got kicked out of the castle. She slept at the temple and soon met Jain Kumar the sculptor and they fell in love. He took her to a Kama Sutra/ concubine school where the lady took her in as a 'daughter'. Soon she was 'ready' to have sex with Kumar. Then Kumar freaks out because it was too intense. So what did she do? Instead of trying to understand, she went and asked to be made a concubine. Because she was damn hot, it wasn't long before she was found by scouts and taken to the king.

Tara was 'queen', but completely ignored by her wayward husband. Seeing her old friend Maya as the latest concubine makes her nuts. Her brother saw this and didn't like the way the king was treating her.

Now the king discovers Kumar and makes him his friend. And he asks the sculptor to make Maya his model. Now the 2 lovers are reunited and the sculptor finds his way into the harem while the king was too busy smoking opium. Until one day they were discovered. So Mr Kumar was taken away and chained to the rocks. Maya tries to bargain for his freedom but fails. Boyfriend was executed.

In the meantime, the queen's old, hunchback brother had told the Shah about the idiot king's debauchery. So on the same day, he got the severed head of his prime minister, and the castle was attacked. Maya ran off.

Now, had Maya just been a bit smarter and a little more principled, as opposed to easy, there wouldn't be much of a tale, but it would make a lot more sense. Fine, if she slept with the idiot king that first time and got kicked out, then she would have the opportunity to meet Kumar. But after that, once he freaked out, she could have waited it out and got back together with him. Yang kau bodoh pergi jadi concubine tu sapa suruh? Yang makcik tu pun pergi galakkan dia apasal? Bodoh piang punya perempuan. Who are you trying to get back at?? Once dah jadi concubine, dah tak boleh balik dengan Kumar. Last2 tak pasal mamat tu mati. Hang pi bawak diri...

The story doesn't deserve the moniker "A Tale of Love". It's a tale of bad choices and idiocy. Haha... review made like 10 years after the story came out. But it shows that our views can change. Whatever. New review - very lame story. 2 thumbs down.

Lonely and Insanity

These days it feels like I'm going crazy... Sitting at home alone all day with no one to talk to gets a little lonely. I'm supposed to finish some work but all I'm doing is lolling around here and there. I don't want to clean house and I can't get my work done. So what good am I? I feel like my life has been one stupid prolonged joke. No one cares, even my dad cares more about his stupid politics these days. I used to have friends, I wonder where they are now.

Most days I'm just tired, too tired to work, too tired to do stuff, too tired to take care of myself. Don't people usually have someone to care for them when they're sick? I cook my own food, clean my own mess... It's just depressing.

Today I managed to eat a little more than usual.I'm just worried my blood sugar would shoot up. Maybe I'll have some yoghurt later. I don't know how I'm going to get any work done... I managed to get the proceedings done in record time, but there's no headway yet with the newsletter. And there's the IMP which I have not touched since before the April meeting.. Ugh... Sometimes I feel that I don't deserve my salary, but what am one to do? I do try to work, success is a little more elusive.

Sometimes I dream of running away. Go to an English countryside, work in a sheep farm somewhere, do absolutely menial labour for a month or two... I dunno... I have been a spectacular failure at so called executive work so far, I wonder if it would be possible to change careers now. Do something else, do something I'm actually good at. I get so tired of forcing myself to work, so tired of struggling to get work done. I'm not stupid, and I'm not lazy, per se. I'm just not doing something that I'm good at. I'm sick of being a failure, a loser. I want to shine, I want to excel, I want to be loved! If only I knew how :( 

Struggles

Among the many things that have happened over the years, this is probably the most difficult to face. I kind of expected to develop diabetes, being a diabetic baby and my mother's health history. Struggling at work is something I just fight over and over and over again. My inability to do anything right is something of a challenge, but still, I keep trying. I'm useless with men, and even women I don't always understand.

Perhaps, the only thing I never had much trouble doing was eating. Yeah, that's right, eating. I love food. I like to eat, I like to cook, I like exploring... Even with dietary restrictions I normally had little trouble finding something I wanted to eat. Until recently when I started getting a bit 'picky' about my food. I thought it was just ageing. I was gassy, and bloated and often I gave up eating halfway through my portion. Food was often too sweet or salty or something.

Until shit hit the fan....

I had a cough that didn't want to go away, even after numerous visits to the doctor. I changed my old pillows and cleaned my room thoroughly, but still I coughed. There was an ear infection, and sore throat, gas... It was too cold, the air was dry...so many problems. I saw through photos that I was suffering. My hair was crap, I had itchy skin, I was wasting away. And I thought it was stress. I was way behind at work, my boss was unhappy, I pushed but just couldn't catch up. And one day the coughing wouldn't stop and I coughed up blood....

I was sent to UH and all I could think of was, please don't let it be TB. But it was. And thus started my life as a TB patient. I suppose I should be thankful that through technology, I only have to take four tablets of one medication a day. My sister had to take 12 (or so she said...) But even that one pill creates havoc with one's system. I was given something to improve my appetite. which has not worked very well, actually. And other pills to counter the side effects. Combine this with my diabetes medication, it is a pretty big medley of drugs to deal with every day.

Now I pray that I will be able to keep down my food. Finishing a whole plate is a minor achievement. Breakfast and lunch is a little bit easier to handle. Dinner is often a challenge. Food that was fine in the day became inedible at night. Even light spices makes food unpalatable. I have to tempt my appetite with variety. There is so much unfinished food in the fridge and so much end up in the bin. I force myself to eat yoghurt to aid digestion. And it has to be plain, not sweetened or my blood sugar would shoot up. Seriously, eating is a real challenge these days. Sometimes I long for the good old days when I would eat plate after plate of food and not even think of not finishing up. Of course it does no good for my weight and size, but to actually suffer for nutrition this way? It's not much fun.

So far the only thing that I don't have much trouble eating is fruits. But fruits are laden with sugar, so I really need to watch my portions. I don't know... Sometimes I feel like I'm having a battle with my body. And life is not so great these days either. Everyone has moved on, and I feel increasingly alone. But I don't have much interest in men anymore either. Most guys would prefer younger, non-problematic women to boring old me. So why bother getting excited about them? It's not like any of them are excited about me...

The past months I was super excited about getting the new house ready and moving in. I do love the new place and I think the cats do too. And now this has to happen. Well logically the problem started since last year, so it has nothing to do with the new house. But now, my study table is still a mess. I haven't finished putting away my stuff. So I'm working on my trusty side table. My boss wants 2 pieces of work done by tomorrow afternoon; putting to the test my 'promise' to catch up with work from home. It's a bit hot tonight, so I think I'll move to my room. I was supposed to go to the hospital with my sister tomorrow, and face it, I have not even looked at the work I'm supposed to be handing in...

I'm planning to do it right after I finish whining, so.... Wish me luck, guys.