I have been pretty sad about the little one's death. Maybe because I didn't have much time to grieve. She died in my arms on 17th December, the day I went to Bangkok for my birding holiday. Buried her under the tree, beside the front garbage collection centre.
Maybe it was for the best, but it hurt all the same. I had been worried that her eye wasn't opening as it should. The flu was better, and the swelling had gone down, but they were half open at best. She wasn't growing much, and drank very little for a 3 1/2 week old kitten.
A few days before, her formula ran out and i decided to just use the cheap one K Ayu bought earlier. But it was sticky and she had diarrhea, so we switched back to the expensive formula.
The day before K Ayu had a meeting and couldn't come home in the afternoon to feed her. I couldn't run either, so I came home as soon as I could but still arrived late. She was hungry so I gave her some soft food on the counter. I was going to move her later, she had become more careful of late so I thought it was ok to let her sit there for a bit. But she lurched forward just as I was pouring her milk and she fell with a sickening splat on her tummy. She seemed ok enough, but she didn't drink as much as she should have. That night she didn't want to drink either. And she puked. I didn't notice how much until I cleaned her towel.
I turned in early and in the morning I found her sprawled on the floor. She was cold. I warmed her for a bit, then put her under a blanket. I was busy - packing, cleaning, this that and the other. Mid morning I coaxed, almost forced her to drink. She stopped drinking and soon after she was limp. I wasn't sure if she was dead, it took me a while to accept that she had gone.
Maybe I had overestimated her age. Maybe she was just too ill to recover. Maybe I was a little cocky, as my fosters usually turned out all right.
I was busy, too busy to take her to the vet. I was on a tight budget too, what with buying Abah's phone AND the upcoming Bangkok trip. We often fed her late, K Ayu left for work by 2, and I only got home by 8 pm. I had the Twins of Faith to attend, I was feeling bad for barely working. I came in late and left the office as soon as I could. I was stressed with all the mess in the house, and the extra work of bottle feeding a kitten. I often put her into her box and started cleaning as much as I could. Work never ends, does it?
Now she's gone, I still have some messes to clean up. Maybe it was the bad milk, but most probably it was internal injuries from her bad fall the night before. I feel so guilty about that. I should have put her on the floor. I shouldn't have put her on the counter. I should have given her more TLC, I should have coddled her that night instead of leaving it to K Ayu and going to bed.
Perhaps it was a test. I needed to realise I was too busy to handle a sick kitten. I'm sorry for all my mistakes, I'm sorry for letting you fall. Rest in peace Sasha, may Allah let us meet again in jannah.
Maybe it was for the best, but it hurt all the same. I had been worried that her eye wasn't opening as it should. The flu was better, and the swelling had gone down, but they were half open at best. She wasn't growing much, and drank very little for a 3 1/2 week old kitten.
The day before K Ayu had a meeting and couldn't come home in the afternoon to feed her. I couldn't run either, so I came home as soon as I could but still arrived late. She was hungry so I gave her some soft food on the counter. I was going to move her later, she had become more careful of late so I thought it was ok to let her sit there for a bit. But she lurched forward just as I was pouring her milk and she fell with a sickening splat on her tummy. She seemed ok enough, but she didn't drink as much as she should have. That night she didn't want to drink either. And she puked. I didn't notice how much until I cleaned her towel.
I turned in early and in the morning I found her sprawled on the floor. She was cold. I warmed her for a bit, then put her under a blanket. I was busy - packing, cleaning, this that and the other. Mid morning I coaxed, almost forced her to drink. She stopped drinking and soon after she was limp. I wasn't sure if she was dead, it took me a while to accept that she had gone.
Maybe I had overestimated her age. Maybe she was just too ill to recover. Maybe I was a little cocky, as my fosters usually turned out all right.
I was busy, too busy to take her to the vet. I was on a tight budget too, what with buying Abah's phone AND the upcoming Bangkok trip. We often fed her late, K Ayu left for work by 2, and I only got home by 8 pm. I had the Twins of Faith to attend, I was feeling bad for barely working. I came in late and left the office as soon as I could. I was stressed with all the mess in the house, and the extra work of bottle feeding a kitten. I often put her into her box and started cleaning as much as I could. Work never ends, does it?
Now she's gone, I still have some messes to clean up. Maybe it was the bad milk, but most probably it was internal injuries from her bad fall the night before. I feel so guilty about that. I should have put her on the floor. I shouldn't have put her on the counter. I should have given her more TLC, I should have coddled her that night instead of leaving it to K Ayu and going to bed.
Perhaps it was a test. I needed to realise I was too busy to handle a sick kitten. I'm sorry for all my mistakes, I'm sorry for letting you fall. Rest in peace Sasha, may Allah let us meet again in jannah.
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