New Year Resolutions

I don't usually have new year resolutions, but I guess I could do a few for the coming year.

First, I'd like to pay off my current credit card bill. I mean REALLY pay it off. Like no more outstanding balance after I pay the month's bill. It will take some sacrifices, like downgrading my gym membership, but insya-Allah, it can be done. I'm so tired of paying interest every month!

Next, perhaps just a few more kilos off my frame and a stronger core so I'm not so blubbery. Will be prudent with food and do some workouts at home in addition to the gym.

I will try to be more focused at work and come home right after maghrib (because that's the most practical time, really). The jam would have cleared and it's not too late for a light dinner somewhere or at home. Work will also merge strongly into my life, because I will need a well controlled life-work balance if I'm going to get married. I want to save money AND make time for my husband and eventually, a family. Yes, I know it's late in the day, but I believe some changes need to be made. I've been drifting aimlessly for years, hoping for the seemingly impossible and losing myself in the process. I will have to think carefully who I spend time with, and who I will choose, because each choice has its own pros and cons. If I aim to get closer to the young one, I will have to consider his mom and family. Technically there is nothing wrong with us coming together, but culture and a lot of other factors will undoubtedly come in the way. If he chooses someone else, I will also have to accept that and understand the reason why. In any case, I hope there WILL be someone suitable who will love and accept me.

I did tell Graham that I'd like to visit him in London next year, so I hope I'll be able to save up enough money to do that.

That's it really. Have a good job and be happy with my life - hopefully with a husband in the picture. Seriously, I'm no angel. Good girls need sex too.

Sayang Menyayang

Believe it or not, any mention of the once popular '80s film featuring my name, starring Ogy Ahmad Daud and Jamal Abdillah really, really make me cringe. Yes, it was a hit. Have you noticed how BAD our 80s movies were??? Come on la, 27 years have passed. Tukar lawak lain boleh tak? Yeesh...

The script itself makes me geli geleman and wish they had used another name. The kicker is when random strangers start yelling "Azura...." or start singing the "Azura" song. (Facepalm).

However... Guess it's a little different when 2 entertaining boyz start singing another, less obvious song from the movie. They were just belting it out in the car, and this was on top of a morning listening to them bickering and singing all kinds of nonsensical tunes. It was actually pretty fun...


The song is actually titled Sandarkan Pada Kenangan, but the chorus goes 'Sayang Menyayang' (cue guitar twang ~tenenene...) I kinda forgot about this song, but it is rather cute... 


Warning: DO NOT search for the YouTube of this song. The opening script in the Naspazi version makes me want to puke. Did I REALLY enjoy the story way back then?? Sigh, what did I know, I was only 11. 

Here's an excerpt from the chorus. And to my two entertainers, thanks for a fun morning...  You boys rock :D

Sayang menyayang
Cinta dikenang
Perasaan menjadi rindu


Oh...
Lihatlah diriku yang kehilangan
Tanpa kasih mu sayang
Siapalah aku


Sayang menyayang
Saling percaya
Punca kasih berpanjangan

Overwhelmed

Am feeling a little overwhelmed right now... Have been distracted and unwell and anxious...

Some guy I used to talk to earlier this year suddenly reappeared out of the blue... It's not a good time because I'm still weaning myself away from the young one. In my head, I know that there will never be a relationship, but the feelings run too deep. It's taking a lot of time to erase him from my heart. I'm not quite ready to let go, even though I know I must.

The other guy is also slightly younger, but at least he's open to the age gap. I don't really have anything against him, except that I'm not quite ready to move on just yet. Also, because HE was ignoring me at the time, so I just deleted him from my phone. It's really easy when you don't really know someone. Lying's too easy as well. No wonder the brat does it all the time :P

What's eating me at the moment is that I'm lagging at work again. Somehow it's so difficult to control my impulses and put in an honest day's work. I'd do all kinds of side nonsense in between work and in the end all I have is a bunch of half baked shit to show at the end of a long day. It's a big issue.

I used to think that I'd just kill myself if I failed again, but I know that cannot happen... In a strange way, having someone actually chasing after me has kind of re-energised my dying spirit. The problem is, I'm not in the mood to layan him, well, not so much anyway. I layan him in small doses, that's all I can handle right now.

I know I can't keep him hanging, he'll soon tire of being ignored. But I'm not that excited about him, that's all. He lurks on my FB, looking at pictures without adding me on. Somehow my settings have become public, which is NOT a good idea... And I'm not sure if my changes took effect or not. He talks about me coming over to see him, which is against my rules. Guys should make the effort to come see me. Unless I really happen to be in your neighbourhood, I'm not incurring extra costs to go find you. There are so many things that I expect to be different, but I can't really tell him about it...

Maybe I've been spoilt by my non-Malay friends all these years. Pakcik always treated me well, he always asked me out in advance, never forced me to do anything I didn't want to... Whiny and ngengada Malay boys always annoy me! Menci... camana nak kawin camni?? Yang aku suka.... hrmph. Back to square one. Kalau nak magick myself to be 10 years younger boleh tak? :P

7 things I love about you...

1. I love the shape of your hands. Those big, capable hands... Well, OK. I've always had a thing about hands :-)
2. I like to watch you pray.
3. I like it when you take the trouble to stop somewhere to pray. When we go for prayers together, I feel a little less apart.
4. I like yr height. And size. And the fact people actually mistake you for my other half...
5. Who'd think, a simple Bismillah and doa before you drive could be such a turn on? I love it when you do that. It makes me feel safe.
6. You're smart. I like that. I'm sorry I'm not so smart, I know you like clever girls...
7. I like your naughty boy smirk. You can be such an adorable jerk sometimes.

Why seven? It's all I could think of at short notice. You're not perfect, neither am I. In this world, I can't match you. Maybe tomorrow I'll meet someone new, someone who will love me as I am. But the things that are good in you will not change, no matter who we end up with tomorrow :-)

Time out

Wish I could take a couple of days off, just to recharge again. Won't go anywhere this time, just stay home and catch up with stuff. The past few days have been running around fixing things and spending a lot of money - something that makes me very uneasy. Been having trouble concentrating on work. I think I need someone to bounce ideas off, a partner. Somehow that seems impossible to get. I wish I could get past this :(